Oh, here it comes. Valentine’s day.
There’s so much talk about romantic advice, love and chocolate and hearts and flowers. Cupid. All good (yay chocolate).
But whether married or single, all of us are in relationships. We are someone’s child, sister, friend, mother, co-worker. How do we help those relationships to thrive?
Love is more than a noun; that is, it goes beyond being just a wonderful feeling. Love is also a verb. It is an action word. Love is what you do.
Plentiful advice about relationships exists, but in this blog I want to focus on understanding the ways we – and our loved ones – experience love. This refers not only to romantic love, but also love in the broader context. How do you feel loved by your spouse or friends or family, and how do they feel loved by you?
So you give your loved ones gifts, take out the trash, tell them they look great, and watch reruns of The Office with them. Can it get any better than this? Yet still they seem unhappy in the relationship.
Why, with so many evidences of love you’ve given, do they still feel a lack? The answer is probably that you’re not speaking their love language.
Many of you have heard of Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. In it, the author details five different ways people give and receive love. The primary love language is one that most makes you or your loved one feel, well, loved.
Here’s a brief explanation of each:
- Words of affirmation. This person likes hearing compliments and encouragement, receiving cards with handwritten and thoughtful expressions. A quick phone call or text to tell them you love them or were thinking of them will mean a lot. Conversation is important. Tone of voice and facial expressions matter. If constructive criticism is needed, make sure to sandwich it in between positive words. Hint: insulting them, even in jest, can feel hurtful.
- Quality time. Does your VIP person crave spending time with you? They feel slighted if your attention is divided by TV or phone. They need to know that you find them interesting. Fully engage. Direct eye contact, real listening, and going on dates are important. Hint: no canceling at the last minute because “something came up.”
- Gifts. For this person, gifts are important because it shows that their loved one was thinking of them even when they were apart. To them, the gift says, “I know you and am paying attention to who you are.” There was proactive thought involved that’s very reassuring. Gifts don’t have to be big or expensive. They can be as small as a picked wildflower, or a really great pen. It’s the thought behind it that counts. Hint: don’t miss birthdays, anniversaries, or special occasions.
- Acts of service. If you pitch in with running errands, taking care of household chores, tackling the “to-do” list, this person will feel that your love for them is tangible and that you know their concerns and want to partner with them to accomplish them. And if you help without them having to ask, bonus! Hint: scrolling Instagram while this person is taking care of tasks will make them feel unloved. Hey, scrolling social media while you’re in the presence of anyone is rude, come to think of it.
- Physical touch and closeness. This isn’t necessarily sexual (though it can be). They like to sit near you, like to snuggle, they like an affectionate pat on the back, a hug, a massage, or a back scratch. Holding hands helps them feel connected. They blossom when they feel safe, nurtured and loved through physical touch. Hint: if this expression is left out, they will feel neglected and question their position with you.
Everyone I know speaks all of these at one time or another, but we each have a top one or two that are our primary love languages. Do a study of your spouse or significant other. Observe your children (especially starting in the elementary school years… babies and toddlers need it all!). Watch your friends and co-workers. If you take the time to do this, you will see their language emerge.
We tend to think that the way we want to be loved is the way that other people want to be loved, too. So it’s hard to understand when you – say, a gifts person – give a special something to someone and they seem not to notice or care. We often try to communicate love in our top love language. But take time to really watch and listen to your VIPs to learn who they are and discover their needs. As you begin to speak their language, watch the relationship blossom.
This is revolutionary and fun!
What about you?
What’s your primary love language?
